Update 9/27

So it's been a while since I posted, so I figured I'd update things.

First, the ex. She started freaking out after I didn't reply to her messages and ended up pestering one of my relatives to make sure I was ok. I felt kind of guilty so I messaged her not long after and let her know that yes, I was ok, and left it at that. Conversation with her is sporadic at best, and I'm doing my best to not let things get to me.

I've heard once or twice from the crazy park girl in the last couple weeks. She just got her pc back from the shop and now has started school. She no longer talks dirty anymore, and isn't really saying much of anything so I figure that's good.

There's a couple of girls that I've known for a long time that I'm talking to more frequently now and there could be some chemistry. As names are changed to protect the innocent, I'll call them the Singer and the Redhead. With both of these women, there is a mutual attraction, but there are circumstances that keep anything from happening, although it seems walls are crumbling. Both live a good distance away, however one is farther away than the other. We'll see what happens.

As I mentioned in one of my last posts, I recently joined the dating site Plenty of Fish. I've been attempting to contact potential dates, with only one or two replies, and a couple of unsolicited responses to my ad, although these have turned out to be incompatible for various reasons. The replies back that I've received have seemed promising, at least just to start a dialogue, which I suppose that's how everything gets started anyways, right? I have ran into a few people I know personally on the site, but I shall leave them anonymous, like me.

That's pretty much about it. I've gotten over my fears of contacting perfect strangers, so I'm sending out more feelers, and hoping to hear back more.

Why is it so hard...?

So this is kinda embarrassing, but I've been trying to reply to a person on Plenty of Fish for like the last week but every time I go to do so I get cold feet. I'll be re-reading this woman's profile and description and getting all psyched up to mail her, but then I think I psych myself right back out of it.

I've found myself wondering tonight if perhaps it's because this person seems so compatible that I'm afraid of getting sucked in too fast should we meet, followed by the (so far) obligatory loss of interest. I don't see any other real reason why I should be so nervous about it. I am opening myself up to interpretation however. Feel free to chime in via comment.

Then again, another thing could be that this woman is a recent divorcee, and in these modern times that can be construed as a failure to commit. Like many of my single friends I'm not really looking to date anymore, but to find that special person. I've been told by so many people this past week that they're sure that someone is out there for me, and I believe that's true, but why is she so damn hard to find?

It can't be that hard; last night at my birthday dinner I got hit on by our server. It caught me off guard, plus I had my family there. Nothing like getting shot down in front of family, although my mother pointed out the fact that our server had a large rock on her finger (I didn't see it).

I think I'm going to watch Transformers and try and get up the courage to act, much like Sam did in the movie. After all, no sacrifice, no victory, right?

Got on a new dating site

So a friend of mine introduced me to a new dating site this last week, Plenty of Fish. I had never heard of it before. And now I wish I'd have heard of it sooner.

For years, with not much success, I've been on sites like Hot or Not and Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, and even attempted to get onto e-Harmony until I discovered you have to pay just to have your "free" profile posted. On all of the sites I've listed on though, you have to pay to be able to contact people you're interested in, usually along the lines of $30/month, if not more.

Well, my friend suggests I try PoF. So I go and check it out, expecting some runaround on how I have to spend per month to reap the full benefits of the site. But, amazingly, there is none! It's 100% free to have a profile AND be able to message other people. (note: Hot or Not for a time offered free meeting services, which I took advantage of, but only ever had one meeting out of the whole year)

I've already messaged a few ladies, and hopefully I'll be getting messages back soon. Who knows, dear feminine reader, perhaps a message is waiting for you.

Old wounds run deeper

So I talked with my ex last week, and she finally fessed up that she'd met somebody before she'd told me she didn't love me anymore. I still can't believe she wouldn't tell me, and that I actually had to prompt her to admit it.

Why wouldn't you tell someone this? Why would you hold back information like that, knowing it will only add more pain later down the road? Especially when the way of holding back information is withdrawing completely so you don't have to confront me with it until you 'work up the nerve'?

She said she was happy I knew. I'm not. I rather feel exceptional amounts of anger about the whole situation. I'm angry because she lied to me about him, I'm angry that she told me she just wanted to be single and not date anybody when she was clearly lying about that too, but most of all, I'm angry at myself for actually believing her. Again.

I've been avoiding her texts and calls since Saturday. She seems worried about me, thinking maybe I offed myself or something like that. Obviously I haven't. But maybe this is something she should be worried about. She knows just how messed up my life is overall, and that she was one of the only bright spots. She knows how devastated I was and still am. Perhaps I'm being a little vindictive too, turning her game around on her, but I just honestly don't want to talk to her right now. What I want is for her to give me some space, not continue talking to me like things aren't different, that my heart isn't in a million pieces. I want her to feel some of the same pain I'm feeling, of total loss.

I know this doesn't sound very noble of me, and is actually rather against my character. However, it's what feels right to me right now.