Old wounds run deeper

So I talked with my ex last week, and she finally fessed up that she'd met somebody before she'd told me she didn't love me anymore. I still can't believe she wouldn't tell me, and that I actually had to prompt her to admit it.

Why wouldn't you tell someone this? Why would you hold back information like that, knowing it will only add more pain later down the road? Especially when the way of holding back information is withdrawing completely so you don't have to confront me with it until you 'work up the nerve'?

She said she was happy I knew. I'm not. I rather feel exceptional amounts of anger about the whole situation. I'm angry because she lied to me about him, I'm angry that she told me she just wanted to be single and not date anybody when she was clearly lying about that too, but most of all, I'm angry at myself for actually believing her. Again.

I've been avoiding her texts and calls since Saturday. She seems worried about me, thinking maybe I offed myself or something like that. Obviously I haven't. But maybe this is something she should be worried about. She knows just how messed up my life is overall, and that she was one of the only bright spots. She knows how devastated I was and still am. Perhaps I'm being a little vindictive too, turning her game around on her, but I just honestly don't want to talk to her right now. What I want is for her to give me some space, not continue talking to me like things aren't different, that my heart isn't in a million pieces. I want her to feel some of the same pain I'm feeling, of total loss.

I know this doesn't sound very noble of me, and is actually rather against my character. However, it's what feels right to me right now.